Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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