So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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