Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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