i think i scared a bird with my dick
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
