everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
