i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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