Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The air taste purple.
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