I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
