The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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