Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
