That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
