Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
