You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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