I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
