You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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