There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
my poor anus
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
