i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
