she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
