my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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