I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
