alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
