I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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