You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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