I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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