Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
