My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
