It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
