I seem to have left my pride at pride
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
