I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
