Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
