I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
