Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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