Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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