Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
