I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
