i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He passed out mid-signature
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
