If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
