wanna go halves on a baby?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
