you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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