Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We are two peas in an std pod
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
