i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
