Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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