im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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