we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
