Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
