can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
