I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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