Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It's never too late to be topless.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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