Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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