it was like his penis was on wheels.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Why are your pants in the freezer?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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